Great Uncle Bernie

I’ve always been a handsome man with bags of charisma. Women, without exception, are like soft clay in my ample hands. Such animal magnetism has meant that I haven’t met the ‘one for me’ just yet but there are always more fillies in the field waiting for Bernie’s 'special touch'. I think Lord Quinten, my nephew, managed to acquire just a hint of my mesmeric powers on women. It’s a shame he can’t manage his finances in the same way. His mother, my dear sister would turn in her grave as sure as eggs are eggs.

Great Uncle Bernie

An Interview To Die For

You’re about to attend Lord Quinten Daventry’s birthday party? Is this a special occasion?

Well It’s generally a damn good bash, and Quinten usually invites a good array of fine young fillies to enjoy me!

What will you be wearing?

White tie and tails as ever – the ladies are like putty in my hands when I dress like that. Better get my dickie stiffened; no one likes to see that floppy.

Are you buying Lord Q a present?

Good Lord no, he owes me a small bloody fortune. The scallywag deserves nothing more from me. In fact I wonder who’s covering the cost of the bloody party.

Are you currently in a relationship – with whom? Or how is your love life?

Now young lady, I would normally be asking that question of you. I can tell you’re looking at me in that special way ladies do look at me. If all else fails, me and my mate five fingered Freddie can fall back on each other – ahem, so to speak – for a relationship.

If you were Prime Minister what’s the first thing you would do?

Well I’d put a stop to that ludicrous idea of women voting. They don’t need to worry their pretty heads with such things. That’s men’s business. And always has been.

Are you a fan of the Royal Family – have you met any of them?

As a matter of fact I served in the First World War with the Prince of Wales, Prince Edward – a totally spiffing chap, bit of a philanderer, though, what ho! We’re peas in a pod, him and me. (starts coughing).

What’s your favourite kind of food/drink and/or restaurant?

Frankly you can’t beat a good juicy rump. Love getting my mouth round a bit of flesh. Oh yes!

What’s your favourite show and why?

Well I do rather enjoy the Parisienne theatre and the Cancan – all those belles filles kicking up their legs and showing off their draws.  Bloody good show I always say.

What do you do in your spare time?

Spare time? Frankly, my dear, I’m not familiar with the concept.. Healthy mind and body is a full time job for Uncle Bernie.

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