Captain Montague Smedley-Downes

An Interview To Die For

You’re about to attend Lord Quinten Daventry’s birthday party? Is this a special occasion?

Is this a special occasion?! Good Golly Gosh, what a silly question. Each year it turns out to be a spiffing event, expect for last year, and this year will be tippety top as I have a very special surprise for a very special guest.

What will you be wearing?

I think it’s important that I wear my full military uniform for such a special occasion. After all, what lady can refuse a man in uniform? Oh dear, I feel I’ve said too much already! Silly me.

Are you buying Lord Q a present?

Well blow me, that’s a long story! When Miss Fanny and I started our grand tour around Europe, Quinney rather foolishly locked himself in a bathroom on the Orient Express after he’d helped Fanny aboard with her suitcases. The train was drawing into Strasbourg by the time he’d worked out how to use the lock, so I’d no option but to pay for a first class cabin for him – plus the caviar and champagne he’d had served through a skylight. I told him at the time that this could be his birthday present. Oh, and I almost forgot! When he accidentally hired a yacht in Istanbul I paid for that for his birthday too! Poor Quinney and Fanny were lost at sea for three days!

Are you currently in a relationship – with whom? Or how is your love life?

Gracious me! That’s a rather timely question. Just watch this space – oh dear, have I said too much again…?!

What would you do if you won the Lottery?

I feel that the lottery is a rather crass invention. Surely the only way to earn money is to be born into it?

If you were Prime Minister what’s the first thing you would do?

Oh, easy peasy. I’d create more medals to recognise the good work done by the army catering staff, in particular the Captain. After all, as Napoléon and my father said, an army marches on its stomach.

Are you a fan of the Royal Family – have you met any of them?

I can quite honestly say that I’ve waved at all of them! My father was quite the regular on the Royal party circuit and I’m proud to say I’ve honoured his memory admirably after inheriting his seat at the Royal table. Although I must admit I do sit much further away from her majesty than Daddy did. I’m yet to see if a post-Knighthood Prince Philip will actually wave back at me with more than one finger.

What’s your favourite kind of food/drink and/or restaurant?

Well after experiencing what catering can be like in the trenches, I’ve become accustomed to eating anything if I have to. So the basics: oysters, partridge, pheasant and champagne are enough for this little warrior.

What’s your favourite show and why?

I’m rather partial to The Antiques Roadshow. Well one has to be, I’ve caught Quinney on there twice having my silverware valued! Apparently it was just for insurance purposes; he’s ever so thoughtful.

What do you do in your spare time?

I’m afraid a Captain doesn’t get much spare time. But quite often, in-between polishing my medal and overseeing the stocktake of the army supplies, I can be found enjoying a sherry or two  if not three.

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